Here’s something you don’t realize until it’s happening to you: The older you are, the longer it takes to get ready for bed. Let’s review my bedtime routine:

First, I peel my contacts off of my eyes, which are apparently drying with age. Next, I put in Restasis, to moisturize my dry eyes.  I found out I needed this medicine when I went to the eye doctor because I couldn’t see. I thought my prescription was changing, but no, it couldn’t be that easy. Instead of getting a new pair of glasses, I have to put these drops in for the rest of my life if I don’t want to feel as if there’s sand in my eyes.

Next, it’s on to hair growth. I apply some drops to the top of my head to help my hair grow and different drops to my lash line to give me fuller, thicker lashes. While we’re on the subject of hair, I may whip out the tweezers and grab a few chin hairs, go over my mustache, and check the mole on my cheek that likes to sprout hairs.

Now we’re on to flossing. As we get older, our teeth wear away. As a result, the space between them increases, and more food gets caught in there. I view it as a midnight snack. I wonder how many Weight Watchers points the food stuck in my teeth counts for. Zero, because I already counted that food! It’s like a freebie!

After flossing my teeth, I brush them with toothpaste for sensitive teeth because my gums are receding. Then I wash my face and moisturize the hell out of it, because it too, is drying up. I also apply a special cream to my eyes, in the vain hope of minimizing wrinkles and puffiness.

You may think I’m finished now, and I am, but only in the bathroom. Once I’m tucked in bed, I have to take my blood pressure medication and put lubricating drops in my eyes.  While I’m at it, I apply Aquaphor to my lips. Then I have some options: hand cream? Yes. Something to help me sleep? Perhaps. Some lotion for my dry and cracking feet? Why not? Do I have a glass of fresh water at the ready in case I wake up with a troublesome tickle in my throat? Check. Now I’m finally ready to turn out the light, but this whole routine has taken so long, it’s practically time to wake up.